Name calling
Name calling?... what?!? Since when is that the right thing to do? Haven’t you been told all your life that name calling is wrong? Yes, when talking about other people. No, when naming your feelings!
Name calling as in ‘name the feeling’ is one first important step in creating more self-awareness. Often times a situation or a person elicits a strong feeling in us, and we REACT. Sometimes all we can muster is a ‘no’. We feel the resistance building, and it is pouring out. We have a strong reaction, maybe flabbergasting the recipient(s) of our communication.
What’s missing? The crucial step of identifying the feeling that brings forth the reaction (note that a reaction is not the same as a response, more on that in another post).
When we can’t name the feeling, we get overwhelmed by it. It highjacks us. It is all reptile brain and no or very little prefrontal cortex (that’s the thinking brain). On the other hand, when we name the feeling the power it has over us dissipates. I name it, I recognize it and I examine it.
Further, beyond naming the feeling to ourselves, we can then name it as we craft our response “I am feeling upset right now, let me cool off and I’ll come back to you”.
Feelings are also interesting in that in our culture it is much more socially acceptable for men to feel angry and for women to feel sad. That makes for a limiting range of emotion. In fact, we all have a range of emotions, stemming from 6 types of basic emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, anger and surprise. Even if we don’t allow ourselves to feel a feeling, doesn’t mean it’s not there. It simply means we are less aware of our emotions, our reactions and responses and consequently our impact on others.
Note that I wrote ‘feel angry’ and ‘feel sad’. Feelings are a state, often a fleeting state. We ARE not our feelings. Notice the difference in meaning when we say “I am feeling upset” versus “I am upset”. When we claim “I am upset” it becomes part of our identity.
Stating “I am feeling happy” recognizes that in this moment I am feeling happy. It is not a permanent state, but I will pay attention to the contributing factors to my current emotional state and I will seek out more of that.
Feelings are messages, not to be ignored. Much like if your back hurts or your knee aches. Your body is sending you a message. Feelings also communicate if you want or need more or less of something. The first step is to identify WHAT it is you need more/less of. Start with naming that feeling.
